My hocd is torturing me.
I'm a female 17 and I've had it since I was 13. My first fears were easy to reassure but now, 4 yrs later, NOTHING helps until the spike randomly disappears. I came to the point of being unable to tell a girl is pretty because GOD FORBID my hocd hears that (lol as if its a person) because it would immediately turn into a spike. But whenever I 'reassure' myself and think bleh she's ok, my mind screams at me 'stop lying, you are gay.'

I also have HORRIBLE urges to come out. I don't feel guilty talking about boys to my parents and I never felt like I was lying whenever I thought a boy was cute, but my mind keeps torturing me and honestly I just want to die.

I've been thinking about suicide but I'm too weak to actually do something...it's just a never ending cycle and it's horrible. My heart breaks when I remember I used to be normal and happy. I never had a boyfriend and fantasizing about them was so fun to me. Before, whenever I'd think 'oh she's pretty' I would NEVER think I'm attracted to any girl in that way, but now I just don't know anymore.

I'm so freaking lost and hurting so much Idk if there's any light at the end of the tunnel for me..

Does anybody ever feel faintness 24/7 from it like youve got foggy vision,heavy head,auto pilot and can collapse any time?Also does ever being indoors alter your time perception like its morning outside and flourescent lighting indoors make you think that its evening and when you realize that you just panic?

I'm new here, and I'm surprised at myself for actually joining a forum such as this.
I consider it the first step to healing myself.

I go by Tay and I'm 19.
I live in Australia and I'm not good at introducing myself at all.

I'm on this site because I can't keep my cutting a secret. I don't want to anymore...I don't know. I literally feel like I could explode. I just need another person to know this fact about me.

If anyone cares;
I'm not a consistent self harmer. I started when I was about 15 but that was only small cuts that would heal over time. It was only in 2010 when I had my stressful final year of school as well as some problems in the household that I developed a severe anxiety, the desire to cut deeper and a plague of suicidal thoughts.
In 2011, I fell out with most of my friends. I had nothing to do and nowhere to be I stayed home for months; sleeping my days away. All my insecurities got out of control and I starved myself. I felt fat and disgusting. I felt more alone than ever.
Late last year, on two drunken occasions, I just lost the plot grabbed a knife and went for it. No suicidal intentions, even though since then, I keep thinking about ending everything. Wondering why I haven't yet since I don't have much of a life anyway. I really do have nobody who I can trust to tell everything. And I don't think I'll ever have that because I'm generally not big on sharing my feelings.

I do want more than anything for someone to listen to me. I do have people I love, and in turn they don't find me that bad but I just can't go on that level with them. I just know their view of me would change. They'd have this association in the back of their mind 'oh, she cuts herself.'
I can just see it happening that way and I can't shake this fear of being seen differently because of some scars. Nothing scares me more than people seeing the real me. As to why I can pour all this out on the internet is beyond me.

Absolutely no one knows the inner turmoil that's inside. I am very good at avoiding subjects about myself. I am veryvery good at distracting people with their own lives so that they don't have to see what a horrible life I have. Because I'm not an expressive type, I've never been diagnosed for these problems I clearly know I have. I have to say, the best thing about me is my ability to take such pain. I am not scared at all to end things right now but I feel there's something better for me. I'm hoping there is. I also love my father too much to do that to him. It's a scary thought however, that once he's passed on I won't be too far behind.

I feel helpless to myself, to this person that I don't want to be. The fear is crippling and it's getting so hard to keep everything inside.
I just need some help.

I don't know whats going on with me, its getting worse and im getting tired. Im a boy, 20 years old and I can't remember as many details as I would like to remember about who and what I was before that 'something' happened thats why I'll be vague with some things. If you think you may have and idea or have some information or a good advice on this please feel free to answer cause I'm desperate.
I've been in and out of psychiatric institutions since high school and I've been diagnosed multiple times by different doctors (Antisocial personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia Paranoid, Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar not otherwise specified.) When I was younger I was pretty much in control of myself, some things with me were off but nothing that really bothered me, things like excessive boredom, intrusive thoughts, derealization and depersonalizations and not being able to not to fake every social interaction, a giant disgust for every human, an entertained mind with every mechanic answer, things people could just not see, I planned everything I said and everything I did, it was automatic, It was sorta exciting getting everything I wanted, I stole things like whole outfits in expensive clothes stores even though I had the money just because it was exciting and made me feel good, I abused all kinda of drugs and people in a way, I got sorta lost in the drug path, I started getting psychotic and I did a lot of crazy things like going out of town, not sleeping, spending weeks on the street, drugs, wild parties, sex with strangers, but then a day I started to notice that I wasn't so sure of what I was doing, something that I think I never felt before, I was kinda lost, I was kinda alone and I didn't knew what was the next step to take, like if the part of me that was sure of everything and had everything sorted out disappeared, the drugs were getting down and I was so exhausted and desperate feeling that I couldn't go out for more, now i'm clean except for weed (auto medication) I became aware of every little thing but didn't know how to deal with it or what was the importance of everything, I have a cloud in my mind and im not sure of anything I don't know how to explain it, its driving me crazy, I want to stab my face multiple times after I stab everyone else, I always thought that in a way (a proxemic way) I can read peoples minds but after this happened it was like their thoughts and expression became sharp and aggressive to me, and now its like they can hear my thoughts too in that way also, something happened to my nerves, I can't be relaxed, not in my house, not in my bed, not in my sleep, I just can't relax its like If I am possessed and my brain and inside my body its burning I have ricing and negative thoughts, i'm angry and irritable to the core, to the point that if some one talks to me in that moment I snap and attack them with everything I have and I hurt myself cause I need it to stop now, it so much. Everyday I end up screaming and scratching my face because I don't quite get what im feeling but it is a lot, I can't concentrate, I can't decide between stupid easy things, I feel guilty all the time, I can't organize my mind and put whats first first, that makes me angry as ###$, I can't sleep well, I have panic attacks, night terrors, my stomach hurst and I need to throw up since I wake up, this are just some things that are happening, there are a lot more but I don't know what its important what its not, I also some times experience selective mutism when some one asks me what is happening because my brain does not know the answer or at least thats what I think. No one has been able to help me, not the doctors, not in the clinic , I don't trust anybody and im fearing that Im gonna have to kill myself because I won't live like this my whole life, and its not getting better, 2 years now, I feel hopeless. Alexithymia and mixed bipolar episode are things that can describe...

[ Continued ]

I've never participated in anything like this before, but it's cheaper than a psychiatrist and healthier than the other "outlets" I had in mind. I don't know where this post is going but I'm just going to let my mind leak onto this blog or whatever the heck this this is and see where it takes me.

Lately things haven't been so hot. I experience major highs where everything is "fine" and I'm truly content with everything and major, and I mean MAJOR lows where I feel the absolute opposite. I know what you're thinking, bipolar disorder. I haven't been diagnosed so I don't know for sure. But that's not the only thing that's "wrong."

I've been having problems with daily/everyday tasks due to my inability to focus, my lack of ability to sleep normally, mood fluctuations, weight gain, lack of motivation, constant nervousness, and always second guessing myself.

I'm completely fine when I'm around my friends, but the second I'm left alone, man... All hell breaks lose in my mind. It's like all the thoughts that I was too distracted to distracted to think about when I was with my friends come out all at once and it overwhelms me and causes me to be more anxious.

My symptoms include:
-lack of focus
-major insomnia
-mood fluctuations
-loss of motivation
-constant second guessing of self
-constant anxiety, stress, nervousness
-shaky hands
-frequent headaches
-hot flashes
-easily startled
-forgetful
-nausea
-irritability
-early morning wakefulness (waking up at like 3 or 4 and not being able to go back to sleep)
-loss of interest in things that once caught my attention.

I don't know what my diagnosis is. If anyone wants to give it a shot as to what's going on with me, I'm open to anyone's input. I know, I should really see someone but I'm using that as an absolute last resort...

I don't know if anyone will see this, let alone spent the time to actually read this crap but if there's someone out there reading this, I would appreciate any input you have.

All the best,
Me.